I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
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“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.