Xylophonist Shredding It
I don’t smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.
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I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
My dog: if that helps
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no