The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
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Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
“I wouldn’t.”