@nPhelendriqal

I don’t smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.

You Might Also Like

@mommajessiec

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

@david8hughes

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

@ApocalypseHow

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

@lmwortho

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

@DamonHunzeker

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

@sharpular

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.