assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I don’t speak button, but if I could I’m pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, “Aaaaah! Help me!” right now.
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ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
Migraine: Yes I am.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
STING: *reads about murder hornets*
[applies for name change]
STING: *reads about the police*
[leaves the country]
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink