One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
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ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
you gotta be faster
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party