I don’t speak button, but if I could I’m pretty sure the button on my jeans is saying, “Aaaaah! Help me!” right now.

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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?


ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please


I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.


Me *tries to open website*

Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot

Me: How

Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life

Me: can’t I just click on a box


I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.


May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]


When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.


Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver


Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink