@KindOfASmartass

I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!

Seriously.

Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.

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@TheBoydP

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.

@FrazzleMyGimp

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

@jellybnbonanza

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

@onelongbender

I don’t think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.

@IamEnidColeslaw

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

@causticbob

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

@Shock_Monster

My dream job? That’s easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.

That’s Old School Twitter.

@ohmygrapeness

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.