I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!


Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.

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Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That


Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll add to the global overdepletion of the oceans. So just give him the fish.


Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow


[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”


I don’t think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.


welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister


Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too


My dream job? That’s easy:

Be one of those Muppets that sit up in balcony making fun of everyone.

That’s Old School Twitter.


One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.