In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!
Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.
You Might Also Like
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!
For failed past relationships press 1
For why your dad left press 2
For why you’re failing as a parent press 3
For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4
If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.