@KindOfASmartass

I don’t steal my tweets from song lyrics!

Seriously.

Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.

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@neilhimself

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

@FrancysNjoroge

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

@ArfMeasures

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

@Buffalojilll

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

@VisionBored1

Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!

For failed past relationships press 1

For why your dad left press 2

For why you’re failing as a parent press 3

For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4

@OfficialBanks93

If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working

@BettieLoves

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

@_mcgoof

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

@Oobrey

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.