Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
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me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I would like even faster food.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.