ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
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I’m not into anything “weird”, but this vacuum at Target looks like a total VILF.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
my teeth: flossed
my pasta: sauced
my salad: tossed
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000