@Kateness8

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

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@panmidwest

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

@Cali_Kid_Mike

I’m not into anything “weird”, but this vacuum at Target looks like a total VILF.

@awsten

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

@thehubrispanda

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

@PFTompkins

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

@donni

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

@Skoog

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

@wheelswordsmith

australia really needs to invent a shazam for spiders so i can tell if this thing on the wall is a daddy longlegs or a bitey deathmaker 3000