I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
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The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
More like Kate Missington.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO