I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
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Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.