How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
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Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them