WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
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The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”