Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
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Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
oh you like traffic lights? name 3 of them in this photo
Writes “I love you” inside.
Mails card to self.
Receives card in mail.
“Eww, why do I attract losers?”
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?