I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
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Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.