@1StevieKilner

I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?

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@ArfMeasures

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

@MrGeorgeWallace

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

@MarfSalvador

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

@RhinoUR

Buys valentine.
Writes “I love you” inside.
Mails card to self.
Receives card in mail.
Reads card.
“Eww, why do I attract losers?”

@astonoha

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

@mrtruthandsoul

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

@mommajessiec

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

@JennyJohnsonHi5

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

@SirEviscerate

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?