I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
You Might Also Like
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Every time my phone rings
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.