I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
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well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
they really do be looking like this
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.