oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”
Now, I tweet them
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
This anagram machine is out of order.
Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.