i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.