i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

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oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
“yes, and?”
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?


Before Twitter, I’d ignore dumb thoughts in my head like “How do Vampires buy pants if they can’t look in a mirror?”

Now, I tweet them


Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?


CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…


Put your seatbelt on, kids. Mommy wants to record a video for Facebook.


me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti


Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?


Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.