I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
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getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I have no passwords left in me
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
This hospital has everything
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.