@10InchesPlus

I don’t think any of us would have made it to a life boat on Titanic.

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@ashmensch

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

@Iwriteforcats

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

@dumbbeezie

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

@qwertying

A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..

@SardonicTart

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

@notalogin

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

@RunOldMan

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

@amandajpanda

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.