I don’t think any of us would have made it to a life boat on Titanic.

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*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?


Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.


Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock


A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..


How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.


Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.


My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.


If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.