Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
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I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Always the camel, never the toe.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.