I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
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Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If only
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business