My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
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Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Worst things about mid 40’s:
1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror.
2. Crying too hard to complete this list.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.