“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

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Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.

Fine. A Pizza


If you successfully toss a quarter 5 times through the moving blades of a ceiling fan, you are talented and stoned.


What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.


Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you


They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!


Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.


“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.


ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.


ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2