“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
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enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Hank is one in a melon.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.