Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.
Fine. A Pizza
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
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If you successfully toss a quarter 5 times through the moving blades of a ceiling fan, you are talented and stoned.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Mechanic: you need a new carburetor
Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Be the reason they create new laws.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
M: omg embarrassing
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2