@ilovepie84

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

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@HenpeckedHal

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

@RussRoth4

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

@GuyThe_Guy

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

@Eightinchgoat

Worst things about mid 40’s:

1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror.

2. Crying too hard to complete this list.

@iwearaonesie

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

@Sal_Stevens

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

@jake_likes_naps

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

@Idiotstopnow

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.