“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

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My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.


Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*


In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.


Worst things about mid 40’s:

1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror.

2. Crying too hard to complete this list.


How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock


Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’


*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying


This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.