I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
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if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya