I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
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Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.