What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”