I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
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It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
This is my pinned tweet
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop