uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
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If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.