Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
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1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.