I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…

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“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*


When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid


Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.


me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok


Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”


Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*


why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses


me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you