@Annoyedworld

I don’t think I’m a father but I better celebrate just incase I am…

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@matt___nelson

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

@meganamram

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

@PaperWash

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

@WilliamRodgers

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

@Ideal_Victoria

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

@nachosarah

why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses

@Karate_Horse

me: I hate boxes and how they hold food so well! almost TOO good!
inventor of cornucopia: sir, do i have something to show you