I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Omg 🤣
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.