I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
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[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.