@Seamus_the_Bold

I don’t think it’s rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today’s newspaper.

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@stockejock

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

@AlisonLeiby

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

@freypalm

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

@SweetVaBreezy

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

@LurkAtHomeMom

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

@bridger_w

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

@ericsshadow

If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

@tat2dsoccermom

So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?