crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”