Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
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Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Kids, do not try this at home!
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
consequences, the bane of my existence
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
What?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir