I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Rather alarming headline…
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids