I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
You Might Also Like
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.