I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
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Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.