It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
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Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Brands during Pride
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner