I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

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ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and-
GIRL: hook up? sure!
ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome


friend: how do u meet girls

me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home


me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit

friend: haha clever

me: then ask if her grandma is single


New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.


[christ descends from heaven]
[sees america]


Women remember something that happened five years ago. I can’t remember why I stood up.


I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops


Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser


You agree to sound convincing when you lie about changing and I agree to believe you. Formalities over, let’s get this relationship started.