@jasonroeder

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

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@trentistweeting

ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and-
GIRL: hook up? sure!
ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome

@clichedout

friend: how do u meet girls

me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home

friend:

me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit

friend: haha clever

me: then ask if her grandma is single

@thatcarlygirl

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

@GrantTanaka

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

@Spaced_Cowboy00

Women remember something that happened five years ago. I can’t remember why I stood up.

@hurlarious

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

@MaverickGames

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

@SortaBad

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

@Oshungurl

You agree to sound convincing when you lie about changing and I agree to believe you. Formalities over, let’s get this relationship started.