@trentistweeting
ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and-
GIRL: hook up? sure!
ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome
@jasonroeder
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
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@trentistweeting
@clichedout
friend: how do u meet girls
me: I find the hottest grandma at the nursing home
friend:
me: I wait for her granddaughter to visit
friend: haha clever
me: then ask if her grandma is single
@thatcarlygirl
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
@GrantTanaka
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
@Spaced_Cowboy00
Women remember something that happened five years ago. I can’t remember why I stood up.
@hurlarious
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
@meganamram
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
@MaverickGames
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
@SortaBad
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
@Oshungurl
You agree to sound convincing when you lie about changing and I agree to believe you. Formalities over, let’s get this relationship started.