I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
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torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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10. He is a cat.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
sry
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Not helping
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭