I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call