I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

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Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.


[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no


me: it’s the whole episode


Hey people who say ‘I want my funeral to be like this’: what are you going to do about it if they don’t do it like that?


Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…


2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?


The inventor of Pringles: what if we combined the best part of playing tennis with the best part of not playing tennis


My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.


I know you’ve been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it’s over now. Also, you’re a donut. And I ate you.


[gently brushes your hair out of your face]

“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper