I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
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Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured