Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
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I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.