I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.

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If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.



McDonald’s Manager: Ma’am, you can’t use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW




Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC


*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?


gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what


My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.


Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.