Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
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the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
What?
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Morning my dudes.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛