I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.

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Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches


I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.


colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund


Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation


Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes


My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit


[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]


TREE: oh shit I mean AHH I FELL


Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”