Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.
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If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Me: LARGE FRY!
McDonald’s Manager: Ma’am, you can’t use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW
Me: I WILL CUT YOU!
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.