@RealFartShady

I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

@BonaFideIntent

Me: LARGE FRY!

McDonald’s Manager: Ma’am, you can’t use the drive-thru riding a stick pony. Please leave NOW

Me: I WILL CUT YOU!

*sirens*

@JediGigi

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

@ohpegah

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

@pilau

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

@Jonesy_donkey

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.