I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
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Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!