I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..

But on the other hand..

I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.

-Drunk me at a zoo

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i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”



Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins


I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week.

She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.


If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.


How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.


I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money


my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat


[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it


50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.