i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I don’t think peeing on a goose is the right answer..
But on the other hand..
I’m not sure it’s the WRONG answer.
-Drunk me at a zoo
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Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I lost a very close friend and drinking buddy last week.
She got her finger caught in a wedding ring.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
I wanna work at a bank so I can get that employee discount on money
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.