If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I don’t think people outside of England understand that the “it’s coming home” thing was a joke at first because we had no hope but it actually might be coming home and now we don’t know what to do with ourselves
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A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: Or you’ll what?
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary