@RefractReality
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
@elmulino
I don’t think people outside of England understand that the “it’s coming home” thing was a joke at first because we had no hope but it actually might be coming home and now we don’t know what to do with ourselves
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@RefractReality
@suecorvette
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
@Importantest
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
@hippieswordfish
absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh
@mommajessiec
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
@RidiculousSheri
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
@LionJenkins
Bond.
Bail Bond.
@TeaAndCopy
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
@JimmerThatisAll
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
@BoogTweets
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary