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Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
🖤✌🏽
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡