I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
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[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute