I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.

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Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred


When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.


Describing anything that happens in 2017 makes me sound like a crazy person who just screams at park benches.


Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.


The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.


So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.


How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?

Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.


How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore


chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?