I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.

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GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking


Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.


My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.


Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.


Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed…while married women come home see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.


It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.


[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911


It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.


Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.


Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.