@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.

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@blaha_Who

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

@Dwarven_Cleric

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

@scarebro

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

@deenasjoint

Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed…while married women come home see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.

@bmarked21

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

@internetluke

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

@dblackattack

It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.

@JT_IV_

Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.

@thepaulahunt

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.