@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.

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@TheThryll

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

@TheAndrewNadeau

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

@ShortSleeveSuit

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

@Nickadoo

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

@ultimatesteve

*phone rings*

Wife: Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan*

Wife – “….””

@PetrickSara

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

@RxitWounds

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

@mrtruthandsoul

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!