I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
The French word for sex is croissant.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
greetings!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16