I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
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The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Worst bar ever.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.