I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
You Might Also Like
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.