Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
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me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
*ernest hemingway voice*
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.