“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
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Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help