“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
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Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me