I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
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So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi