sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
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DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”