DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
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me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking