Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
You Might Also Like
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
*including zombie apocalypse
I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad, but then I realized it was my Ex…
[ First Date ]
Her: So you’re a MMA fighter?
* flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom’s *
Me: Yea, I’m still training
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Me at 14 – get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
Me at 34 – get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.