I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.

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Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you


There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.


I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.


If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.

*including zombie apocalypse


I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad, but then I realized it was my Ex…


[ First Date ]

Her: So you’re a MMA fighter?

* flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom’s *

Me: Yea, I’m still training


I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.


I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.


Life Goals

Me at 14 – get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex

Me at 34 – get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex


She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.